So this post is going to be about embracing your unique authenticity. No matter how weird you think you are.
I swear to god I am hands down the weirdest person I know, and my friends literally call me weird all the time. I mean, I own it – at least I’m trying to, but before it used to really bother me. I felt like I was completely different from everyone, that my sense of humour didn’t match anyone else’s, that literally anything that came out of my mouth that was unfiltered would be judged by others and pronounce me as weird and therefore unlovable… somehow. Okay wow if I tell you things I do that I label as weird you’re probably not even gonna bat an eyelash, but I still feel really uncomfortable talking in made up accents with certain people, or making random noises for the heck of it that don’t mean anything at all at sporadic intervals. Like I’m literally laughing right now at how dumb I sound. I feel like it’s not even about what other people think; people can get used to all kinds of stuff, and honestly, if you just keep being you and doing weird shit they’re gonna get used to that too. And they’ll probably love you for it, because it makes you different and shine in a way that stands out from other people. If the people you surround yourself with don’t support your weirdness, and actively make you feel inadequate for it, you need to get new people.
But most of the time, we are the ones who judge ourselves the worst, making us fear judgement from other people. And it’s that fear of judgement from others that’s really crippling. I have this book where I write my poetry in, and a couple days ago, this is what I wrote:
It is fear of judgement
that makes me want
to shrivel up and die
I am a shadow when I fear
I was staying at my cousins’ house, and they have a completely different sense of humour to my own. In previous years, I’ve always been judged by them and insulted in that ‘it’s just a joke why are you taking it so seriously’ way. Like bitch saying ‘no offence’ doesn’t counteract the verbal abusiveness of your comment. So, naturally, I just didn’t really have a personality, in order to protect myself. If you take away my weirdness, you take away me. I laughed at their jokes even when I thought it wasn’t funny, and kept my tongue in check in case I started saying something I could get judged for. I also like dancing randomly which I stopped doing too, so basically I was restricting my own freedom and self expression because of this fear of judgement. This happened for a few days, during which I was getting kinda depressed when I was alone and I felt like a shell, like I had little life left in me. I feel like I’m a really expressive person by nature, and when I feel that’s judged, or even if it isn’t and I’m afraid it is, I completely shut down, and that takes it out of me. Maybe you’re the same way. But I realised the reason I wasn’t enjoying life, or my time with them, was because I was repressing myself. I was still scared, but I knew I only see my cousins once a year, so I wasn’t about to let a little fear get in the way of our relationship. Little by little, I started being more expressive and taking risks with the jokes I was making and just being a little more me I guess. And you know what? They went with it. My fear was for nothing at all. My fear was a figment of my imagination. It’s amazing to me the kinds of things our minds can create, making something seem so real when the true reality is not the same whatsoever.
If you’re afraid to be your true self, to embrace your weirdness aka you, because you’re afraid of what people might think, just start small. Life is so much more satisfying and rewarding if you are yourself, which I’m sure you already know, but why are you denying yourself that right? You deserve to be expressive; it’s human nature and your birthright, and it’s honestly a shame that we live in a society that still judges human nature. But I know it can be really scary, especially when you’ve lived for years repressing yourself. It takes time, the discipline to reclaim yourself and rediscover who you are when you’re alone in order to fully come back to who you used to be before you decided you didn’t want to be that anymore, i.e the true you.
You might have at least one person in your life that you feel you can be completely yourself with, and if not, make that person you. Let go of judgement for the way you act if it’s in your authenticity, for the things you say if it feels more natural to speak them than to hold them inside because you are afraid of how others will respond. Give yourself permission to be weird, to be whoever you truly are no matter who you are around. Start with yourself. Once you know who you are (if you ever lost that), it’s easier to be yourself with your friends. The people who should stay in your life are the people who embrace your weirdness, go with the flow and who love you anyway. If you lose some people along the way, they were never meant to be in your life in the first place, and that’s okay.
If you crave to be understood, let yourself be seen.
And you know what, the more you are yourself, the more comfortable other people will be with being theirselves, and as a consequence, the closer you become with them – the deeper the connection is formed. I think that’s another thing we all crave; deeper connections.
So I guess the main message here is to allow yourself to be you, no holding back, and see what happens. Take it in baby steps, allowing yourself to get progressively more expressive/weirder (however you want to define that). You’ll feel really good about it, I promise you.
Thank you for reading! I hope this post inspired you and hit you in the right places. Remember its not your problem how people perceive you; spend less time with people who make you feel judged for being yourself, and more time with people who embrace you. Don’t let anybody make you feel like you have to be a shadow – you deserve to stand in the light and be seen in entirety.