Choose love over fear

Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to darkness. Like when I’m on the verge of change, and I have a choice between feeling shitty and anxious, or taking a deep breath to feel better, I choose the first option. And it makes no sense to me! Like it’s literally the stupidest thing if you think about it. Why would I knowingly choose fear, when I could chose love? Why do I keep myself trapped inside a small little box, then wonder why the hell it all went to shit and exploded like a volcano? I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, like any single person can just push the right buttons that set me off. And I know exactly what’s going on: its that I’m giving my power away to external things. I’m knowingly giving away my power to other people, situations…you name it, just because subconsciously I want to stay trapped in this darkness. It’s like I’m so used to it, that anything else, I’m scared of. 

Isn’t that weird? 

To someone whose having the time of their life right now, they’d be like ‘yeah obviously if you give me a bouquet of flowers or a bunch of stinging nettles, ima chose the flowers’. And somebody going through hell would probably ignore the flowers completely, pretend they’re not there, and pick up those stinging nettles. But what I’ve come to realise, is that you always have a choice. I know it doesn’t seem like that. It does not matter how intense or terrible the physical or mental situation is; you can always choose how you react to it. 

I wonder why I choose fear over love, and I think its because fear is like a riptide. It’s easy to get carried away by it and think its inescapable, that there’s nothing you can do to stop it. But, you have the power. And you always did. The mind is such a small part of us, and yet we let it have so much control. Even if nothing at all bad is happening in your life, sometimes your mind can just make it seem that way. 

God, I’m so frustrated with myself sometimes! Like my life is seemingly perfect on the outside; I have everything and more. And yet my mind creates storm after storm until I try to escape my life by not actually living properly (i.e phone addiction!) because I can’t stand to. I make it so hard for myself and why? Because Im addicted to fear? To this darkness? Because I lack the courage to woman up and face my life, which doesn’t even suck in the slightest? 

The thing is, it’s easy to say ‘just get over it, it’s all in your mind.’ But if all reality is, is your perception of it, well, that’s pretty damn difficult. I think the only thing that helped me was taking it day by day. Its easy to punish yourself and beat yourself up for acting like this when there’s not really a reason to (or at least, there doesn’t seem like one, because I’m sure there’s always a deeper reason for everything). And its easy to be impatient and frustrated with yourself like I am, and escape to the future by daydreaming about how wonderful and happy you’ll be. And then five minutes later your sister comes barging into your room and you smack down into reality minus a couple storeys below ground level.

So, please, be kind to yourself!

Accept where you are at right now, even if it’s in the depths of hell. Life happens in cycles; everything does, and can you honestly say that your mentality is not going to shift a single millimetre in, let’s say, a month? No! Your mentality will change; it’s how it is. And you know what that change is not going to be linear, and you are going to have days where you feel like that darkness is lifting, and you feel damn good, and other days where you’re having an existential crisis. But you know what? None of it matters.

Accept exactly where you are, because it’s just it’s own form of perfection. And eventually you’ll evolve to a new form of perfection, and then another and another until you start to see life through the eyes of love. I promise you, day by day, you will see that shift. But you need to take care of yourself. 

You have anxiety? Do practises that are going to ground you, like root chakra yoga, breathwork, root visualisation meditation. I wrote an entire post about anxiety, so if that’s something you struggle with it may help. Whatever you’re going through, whatever this fear is in your mind, however that manifests – whether its depression, OCD…find what helps you. You might already know exactly what it is that makes you feel better (even if it’s the opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment), or you might need to seek professional help. For me, searching up a meditation specifically for what I need, even if it’s simply peace, really helps. Also EFT tapping videos may be useful in reprogramming your mind and releasing any emotions stuck in your body (that may help you shift cyclic negative thought patterns a little faster). I know I always recommend those two things, but seriously, they have helped me more than anything. The thing is, if you take care of yourself as much as you can, all it takes is time. Your mind can be trained, and it can change. It will; you just have to accept where your mindset is at, and know that little by little, day by day it is shifting for the better. Practise self care (take care of your body and do those mental practises above), have patience and forgiveness with yourself, and potentially sooner than you think you will start to see the beauty in your life, and to know what it means to be truly alive. 

I wish you so much love, and all the peace in the world 🤗 You always, always have a choice, and I hope you choose to love yourself enough to change. You can do better than where you are at right now, and you deserve better. Always. 

Love, 

Lanie ❤️

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