I wonder what it means to be alive

Sometimes I wonder what it means to live life. Because for so long I have spent my days moving from one task to the next without a pause. I have struggled to get through the day, and go to bed early so I can miss several precious hours because it is too difficult for me to be alone with myself, to be bored or to actually live. I hold my breath, and I don’t taste my food. I break my hair when I comb it, and I drown out my thoughts with endless conversation, YouTube videos and music. But when it all comes down to it, and I’m alone in my room, all of it hits me like nothing else, and I wonder if it would be a thousand times easier to have an enemy that wasn’t my own mind. And when I get like this, I have to force myself to spend time alone, to just comb my hair without listening to anything else, to force myself to listen to the thoughts as they go around and around in the most uncomfortable way. Because then, it helps. Then I know that I was being irrational, that it wasn’t so bad after all, that it is safe to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. 

But I also know, that living in my mind like that is not living. It’s like being a shadow instead of a three dimensional object, like moving around in hypnosis instead of being alert. It’s living, not being alive. I want to know what it feels to be alive. I want to feel the sun hitting my skin, and feel the simple peace of that moment, soaking in her rays. I want to take a breath deeper than anything I ever have before, and be able to feel the air as it moves down into me. I want to sing, and listen to the richness of my voice without fear of what other people hear when they too listen. I want to feel, with every inch of my being, all of my emotions – even if they scare me. 

I want to love myself and love life and love everyone in my life so deeply that I will never be afraid of falling. I don’t want to be stuck in my head, I don’t want to be living a shallow, fruitless half life where all of my dreams are fantasies, ones that will always remain as such, ones I will never dream into existence. I want to know what it is to be alive, so that when it comes time for me to die, I will not be afraid. And I will know that I did not waste this precious time. Because every moment, is something that I will never get again. And when I think back these past few months, and the way I lived, I am almost ashamed at how I wasted it. And I know I will never get that time back, but right now, I also know that I can choose to not repeat my mistakes. No matter how hard it might be to face myself, no matter how uncomfortable my thoughts get, I know that little by little I can feel alive again. And I guess all I want, is to enjoy life. Because what is the point of it all, if there is no enjoyment? Why commit to anything at all if there is no enjoyment? 

Everything was always beautiful, but I just didn’t see it. Everything was always perfect, even my own thoughts, but I chose not to think of them that way. And all I want to do is just pause, and to look, truly look. And smell. And be. 

Because I think that that’s what alive means: simply being.  

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