Live your life for you

Live your life for you

Sing for you

Dance for you

Don’t do things simply to amaze people, do them for you

For so so long I have lived my life for other people, changing my personality depending on who I was with to best suit their needs. I have put my happiness aside, I have put my boundaries aside, in order to fit into whatever box of expectations they created for me. Thats like people pleasing times one thousand. I learnt from a very young age that being myself wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t safe. I was 6 years old, and my best friend Joy told a girl who we barely knew that she liked her better than me, when I was sitting right there. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but little 6 year old me thought it was. And from that point on, I never felt appreciated in my friendships, like it was always one sided and I had to try to get their approval, try to make them laugh – basically prove my worth to them. And so I learnt to mould myself to fit other people’s view of me.

It was pretty manipulative I guess, since I had a sense of what they wanted out of a friendship, and I would make sure I was that person. I would change my jokes, make up stories out of the blue and bend over backwards just to please them. I remember there was this one friend I had in year 5, who I literally could not go to sleep at night until I thought of at least 3 things to tell her at school in the morning, even if they were all lies. I learnt to live my life for other people, to please other people and forgive them over and over again. And in the process, I slowly became more and more of a shell, like a sliver of the person I once was. Nobody understood me – hell, I didn’t understand myself. I felt like I didn’t even have a personality, or even if I did, it didn’t matter because no one would like it, and then I really would be alone. 

Living for other people was the biggest mistake of my life. Because I kid you not, about 90% or probably more of my trauma has come from that. And all my emotional and mental turmoil, like anxiety and OCD. Seriously, it has not been peaceful in here in a hot minute.

And now it’s been this process of stripping back all those layers I hid under, all those masks I used to conceal my true self because I was scared the world wouldn’t like what it saw. And that I wouldn’t like what I saw. But now I have a better understanding of who I am, and I’m still learning every single day. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worthy of living my life for me, just because I am alive, just because I am breathing. Just because I am.

And you are too. 

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