Live your life for you
Sing for you
Dance for you
Don’t do things simply to amaze people, do them for you
For so so long I have lived my life for other people, changing my personality depending on who I was with to best suit their needs. I have put my happiness aside, I have put my boundaries aside, in order to fit into whatever box of expectations they created for me. Thats like people pleasing times one thousand. I learnt from a very young age that being myself wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t safe. I was 6 years old, and my best friend Joy told a girl who we barely knew that she liked her better than me, when I was sitting right there. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but little 6 year old me thought it was. And from that point on, I never felt appreciated in my friendships, like it was always one sided and I had to try to get their approval, try to make them laugh – basically prove my worth to them. And so I learnt to mould myself to fit other people’s view of me.
It was pretty manipulative I guess, since I had a sense of what they wanted out of a friendship, and I would make sure I was that person. I would change my jokes, make up stories out of the blue and bend over backwards just to please them. I remember there was this one friend I had in year 5, who I literally could not go to sleep at night until I thought of at least 3 things to tell her at school in the morning, even if they were all lies. I learnt to live my life for other people, to please other people and forgive them over and over again. And in the process, I slowly became more and more of a shell, like a sliver of the person I once was. Nobody understood me – hell, I didn’t understand myself. I felt like I didn’t even have a personality, or even if I did, it didn’t matter because no one would like it, and then I really would be alone.
Living for other people was the biggest mistake of my life. Because I kid you not, about 90% or probably more of my trauma has come from that. And all my emotional and mental turmoil, like anxiety and OCD. Seriously, it has not been peaceful in here in a hot minute.
And now it’s been this process of stripping back all those layers I hid under, all those masks I used to conceal my true self because I was scared the world wouldn’t like what it saw. And that I wouldn’t like what I saw. But now I have a better understanding of who I am, and I’m still learning every single day. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worthy of living my life for me, just because I am alive, just because I am breathing. Just because I am.
And you are too.