Finding my voice

I’ve had a problem with sharing my voice for months now.

It’s the strangest thing – it happens during family dinners, calls with people and even sometimes with my friends. Like I’ll be at the table and we get around to the favourite topic of what I’m doing after high school, and my voice literally goes

I’m not kidding. I can’t physically speak above a whisper when it happens. 

I know it’s because I’m afraid of the criticism and judgement I’ll get when I say I won’t follow that traditional path my parents are so invested in. Its like the atmosphere is so oppressive, that it blocks my throat. 

As a child, like most children I was never afraid to say what the hell I wanted whenever I wanted – even if nobody wanted to listen. I would sing at the top of my lungs at random, sporadic intervals and not give a damn if I got yelled at for it. 

But gradually I became more and more afraid to say what I truly felt about things, because somewhere down the line I learned that being myself was not enough, and my jokes wouldn’t get laughed at and my opinion didn’t matter. So I started filtering what I would say aloud, versus my internal thoughts. 

Also, singing (or lack thereof) was and is still such a huge thing for me…I could probably do a separate post just on that. 

And I’m so fricking terrified to tell people the full extent of my spirituality, and talk about it like it’s a normal thing. ‘Trusting the Universe? You’re as crazy as grandma.’ Like hello it ain’t a conspiracy theory, it’s science. 

And you know what even to start this blog was scary as crap. It was a whole thing cause the first site I used wanted me to pay one pound for the domain, which was flagged up as shifty by the bank. It took me two days to contact them back asking to unblock my debit card (the purchase didn’t go through). During these two days I felt like I had a physcial knot in my throat, exactly like the block on my card. Because I knew exactly what I would do once it was unblocked i.e start this blog, and I was not ready for that. 

So here I am, taking a leap of faith and seeing where I’ll land. I have no clue if anybody’s gonna read this, or what might come out of it. All I know is that now I can swallow better!

And because I’m doing this, I might as well do it all the way. I’m trying to be as authentic as possible, because for the majority of my life I have been like a chameleon; shifting my own energy and the way I portray myself to best suit the needs of whoever I was with at the time. And I seriously lost myself in the process. 

So I hope something here resonates with you – maybe you have had or currently have similar struggles. I’d love to know how you’re afraid to share your voice, and what steps you can take to make yourself heard. 

Love, 

Lanie 🙂

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